Today, maybe for the first time ever, I sat and was completely honest with God. I told Him the reasons I was upset with Him and the burdens on my heart. I asked Him why certain things happen and I let Him in to the parts of my life I once pretended He had already healed. I let Him hold me- the real me. Not the put together, “perfect christian” me. Me. The one that struggles more than I like to admit. The one that is wrestling a lot with God and His way of doing things. The one questioning many of His plans. 

We will never find complete healing in Jesus unless we allow Him in to every part of our lives. He cannot hold the parts of us we refuse to let Him hold. I’m still learning to actually ask Him to hold my burdens- to sit at His feet and genuinely cast my cares before Him and trust that He is good. To trust that He cares for me. To trust that I’m not alone even when I feel like it. To trust that His plans for my life are better than my own and that His will is good. 

Surrender is hard. It hurts. It doesn’t make sense to our flesh. It takes a trust based confidence that sets feelings aside and cries out to God, “I believe, but help my unbelief.” 

My prayer on world race so far has been for the Lord to break my heart for what breaks His. Today as I was sitting in prayer and worship, I felt my heart breaking for so many things. I found myself actually asking God why certain things happen. Asking Him why people around me have had to face so much pain in their life. 

Having a shattered heart isn’t easy, yet I’m beginning to see things through the eyes of the Father. I’m beginning to lay down the pieces of me and the questions I have and the doubts I once ignored at the feet of Jesus. His heart breaks to see His children in pain, and I’m beginning to trust that He not only sees our tears but is present in the midst of them. He wipes them away and holds all of them in His jar. He is not the author of pain, and yet He still longs to use it to draw us nearer to Him. What a good God He is, even when we are struggling to understand what good really means. 

I still don’t understand everything God is doing in my life, yet I am confident in this- that He sees me. He knows me. He loves me. And I have never and will never be alone. So I’ll stand with my arms high and heart abandoned, in awe of and surrendered to the One who laid it all down for me. He is worthy of every piece of me. Abba, here I am.